Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Day Has Arrived...The Big 50


Well yes, I've been delinquent. My typical MO, I start something gung-ho and then get distracted by life. So today I thought a good day to start back up (if even only today) my thoughts and feelings on being fifty.
I've been dreading this number for over a year, so silly really that I haven't even really thought of myself being 49. LAME, I know. But I have some deep inner reasons that need probably some psychotherapy to extract out. But mostly as I look in the mirror and pull on my neck waddle in frustration, just don't want to acknowledge that yes I'm 50. I've been beating myself up lately about my weight and to top it off I've been slacking off the gym due to (using as an excuse) my foot problem, though there are always other forms of exercise other than the treadmill. And the middle age spread has infected my middle, and I don't want to believe those pants give me a "muffin top" when zipped up! Oh no!
But decides all that drudgery and the fact that no one probably reads this but myself, I still am unique and vibrant for 50 and can't discount that I haven't give up hope yet. I'm still rockin' the multicolored purple highlights that get strangers compliments all the time, and I try and be fairly stylish for my plump short physique. Though a resent photo was not a flattering angle, yikes!?! I'm heading to the gym after this is done....really....don't laugh....I'm serious.
I still love finding trendy jewelry and cool looking shoes (even though they now have to be somewhat sensible...shit did I say that....ugh!) But I've actually found some very cute and stylish shoes that are dare I say....comfortable? Anthropologie.....thank you, no apologies. And I even found some decent flipflops called "Fitflops" that are supportive and are black with black patten leather on top. Very Cute! So I guess I'll get back to blogging about my fashion finds for mid century broads like me (because I know you're out there) :-D

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The puppy is Neutered

Today I took my wild 6 month old pup into get his testicles removed. I don't plan on breeding him and it's the right thing to do with all the homeless animals in the world...right? Oh but he looks so sad.....in his cone. I've stolen his "manhood" away, it seemed so cruel as I walked out of the vet this morning and he looked at me leave. Now he sleeps on the floor with his cone of shame, for the other dogs in the house know this cone all too well. He's joined the "club" so to speak and now like all our other doggies, is sexless. It's all for the better, so he doesn't hump our companies boots and mark his territory on our furniture...but he looks like Eeyore sulking around the house. It's all for the greater good....While I was out shopping and going to meetings, how thoughtless of me? My poor baby, though the girls at the vet's office all enjoyed cuddling him and he sucked it all up. And tonight my little prince will sleep on my bed and his world will be "almost" back to normal......

Saturday, August 29, 2009

It's Raining In Times Square

I have a webcam on my computer of Times Square, and when my husband and I go to New York City the kids love when we pop up in the webcam and call and wave. So I periodically look at the webcam and see random people waving, or just walking by. Our good friends that live in Staten Island have even gone to see a Play and called us to wave at us in the webcam as a good laugh.

You can tell if it's really hot or bitterly cold by the clothing the people are wearing (and knowing the seasons as I do from my many many visits), just feel the humidity in my mind or that bitter cold cut through me as I look it's almost a comforting kind of thing for me to to look at the webcam....reminisce, yearn, the feeling in my heart it's time to return, no matter what the weather is like (always hoping for good weather of course!)
As I look at that small window to another world, it's raining today on this hot August day on the West Coast. Our air conditioner has already come on at 7am, not a good sign since it was 102 yesterday. Now I haven't checked the weather in NYC but I can imagine after multiple summer visits with the kids that it's hot and very sticky humid. We used to say if felt like you were walking around with a diaper on, since your underwear would stick to you....okay too much information!HA!
As I peer into that small window at 7 am it's raining.....I can almost small the warm humid acrid smell of the streets, and the feel of just taking a shower and now stepping out and immediately feeling your skin stick to you already skimpy clothing. But it's a feeling as unpleasant as it seems that I miss, the sounds and smells of the city.... just seeing that moment in time a longing that I just can't wait till our next trip to NYC, when I step out of the terminal to catch a taxi at JFK and I just know I'm there......it's like a second home I just can't explain. It calls to me.
And if I didn't have such roots or a complete life with my family here, who knows I might just live there? Well....those winters....might be a deterrent. But; I'd seriously consider it, even though I'd probably miss the West Coast go figure, I do love my Bay Area it will always be home in my heart...but there's room for two homes...right? :-)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Normal in a Crazy World....

So I must be an oddity these days because I "don't" take antidepressants or antianxiety medications. A pariah by todays medical standards, because everytime I go to the doctor's office with even a simple problem like ringing in the ears they want to put you on antidepressants. I guess if I don't give a shit, the ringing won't seem as bad wow fixed.
I've managed to stay off the band wagon and so far I manage just fine without them, thank you very much. So maybe because I'm post hysterectomy (and those pesky little ovaries of mine came out too) so my nice OB/GYN has been willing to let me stay on hormones since I was young and not ready to shrivel up and turn old and grey at 40. Thanx Doc, your stellar! So maybe these same everyday dose little blue pills keep me even keel, unlike the rollercoaster ride of joy when you are in the prime of your young life and that your hormones drive you crazy. I so don't miss that really.....I so don't miss that really....yeah I said it again! I feel liberated of all that female emotion. I mean I still get weepy at a good movie and yeah I still have my moments but just not on an hourly basis....

But as I travel on the even keel of life, it's the crazy folks around me that are trying to throw me overboard with a heavy anchor in hand. Even my "loving" children are part of this captivating crowd....I seem to be a magnet to manipulation. I guess it's that big invisible sign I wear: trusting, naive, momish, still cares after being walked over and over...." shall I go on? No....

I don't want to live in a fantasy land that everyday is happy and nothing ever goes wrong, but can't a girl just enjoy her life once in awhile...is that too much to ask? I've gone through some really tough times in the past and those times that don't kill us make us stronger...blah blah blah. I'm just looking to enjoy my new found freedom of adulthood now that the kids are moving on, but I guess now it's time for them as adults to start blaming me for all the things I messed up on during my motherhood years. Yes folks, I'm human and I made mistakes....there I said it. And I wish I could take some, well maybe more than some of those things back. Or just maybe have done things differently now that I have time to ponder better scenarios, but since there's no time machine I guess the damage is done. I didn't think I was a horrible mother, I thought I did okay...but now I'm finding out I was neglectful and without going into all the gory details, I guess this is something I will have to struggle with to understand. Because it's all our own and each reality when it comes down to it, and that is something you can't really change. But things are so much deeper than whats on the surface, and I feel I'm an easy available target. So there you have it I'm here and some people are not, so I get to be the target so to speak of what went wrong.
And this is with friends I've chosen too. One of my so called best friends is now not talking to me, because I'm such a horrible person? Even though she has repeatedly over the years manipulated our friendship and me, her other friends have come and gone and I've stood by her side through thick and thin. But now because I chose to take a stand on small things she's says to me, I'm the bad guy. It doesn't matter all the hurtful things that have been said and done to me, oh those don't count.
Wow...I'm 48 and I don't have a best friend anymore...I walk around and see all these women out having lunch and shopping and I'm alone. So I think I'm a crappy friend? But how much can one person take, I mean really....and remember I don't take medications....or maybe I should be and all these issues would go away? Is that what the Doctors are trying to sell me? I'm just trying to be true to me and others...I'm really done playing games and secrets. But I guess life doesn't work that way.

Okay I guess I can get over this and no folks I don't need to run to the nearest pharmacy thanks to our Medical Community. I'm okay with a good cry now and then, and those other people trying to drag me down...take what you must, I am strong and I am okay...I'm gonna have a good day.

Monday, August 24, 2009

It's Just Never What You Think It Should Be....

Just when I "think" everything is copacetic, that's when it all falls apart. It's my own fault really one should never think "its all good", that's like the kiss of death to best made plans. I'm now in my adult years where the kids are out on their own and my husband and I have the house to ourselves so to speak (we now have furry children...woof woof). But one must never think the umbilical cord is finally sniped, as there is always some need or crisis looming around the corner. Let's face it cell phones can be a blessing but hey, they can be a curse too. I've decided from now on when I get my mani/pedi it goes off! They always seem to call right when I'm getting my fabulous leg massage, my personal moment...damnit and they call and ruin it! argh...

I feel now that I have all this free time that I longed for especially when I was a single mother struggling on my own, it's also a double edged sword as that I'm very alone in the house most of the time. My husband is gone long hours, and I'm alone overnight many nights and now I actually miss having the "kids" around....Come on! you say....make up your mind!?! For years their trails of dirty glasses left aimlessly all over the house or dirty panties left on the floor for the poodle to swipe and run off with and chew as a snack on the couch....I longed for what it would be like not to hear "Mmmoooommmmm" yelled from the other end of the house, meaning I must drop what I'm doing to grant their wish of their command. Or just to go out on an errand and buy myself a coffee and not have to take out a loan to cover lunch for starving kids, that I fed at home before we left just so we wouldn't have to buy lunch out!? And now when I wander the mall and see others laughing and talking and pushing those strollers ( I really don't miss those days, but I just had to add that in) I feel a real sense of loss and loneliness, and not really having a ton of girlfriends with the same days off work that I do to go out in the middle of the week because of MY odd work schedule. Or now as I find since I chose to have kids in my early 20's, many moms have waited to their 30's even 40's and now that Im 48 and kid free they have youngin's hanging off of them! So what to do what to do.....I guess I try and enjoy the moments I can shop in peace alone with no one pulling on my leg saying "mommy I gotta go to the bathroom" or "Im hungry" or "this is boring". And I can set my own pace, and actually get quite a bit done in a day and find time to stop for a coffee and afford it too...
And yeah I do miss my kids because now as young adults they are actually my best friends. And when I get the chance to spend time with them it's really quite enjoyable...Wow did I just say that out loud?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

It's A Tattoo Nation

As I see it tattoo's are becoming pretty mainstream, even though their
content may still hold shock value. And for all you know that handsome
clean cut Doctor or Lawyer may just have a sleeve under that sleeve.
Or that nice nurse may have a cute little "Tramp Stamp" as they so
kindly refer to the tattoos on the lower back area. You watch TV and
now all the reality shows the "contestants" are virtually covered in
tattoos, some that are tasteful and stylish and some that are
downright cheesy and "what were they thinking"?
I guess I should state before I go any further with this "ditty" on
Tatts that "I" have 6 myself....ok ok... Two are names... I did go
abit overboard my last visit when I got one done on my back, I also go
each daughter's name on the inside of my wrist (lucky for me I only
have two of them)..
So I guess where I'm going with this is..... Really noticing how many
people have them. And, how many people have maybe too many? Of course
to say to many is subjective, since you might think a mother that is
"gasp" 48, and has 6 herself to many. So I've been pondering this the
last few days, my youngest has atleast 3 with multiple piercings and
my husband has a small one on his shoulder (he's considered maybe one
more if the right design comes his way), but my older daughter doesn't
have any. Which is fine I'd hate for her to feel pressured to do
something if she really doesn't want it. I on the other hand love
mine, I'm artistic and feel they are a extention of my artsy-fartsy
side, and yes I those occasional looks of distain....I give them a big
"harumph"! It's my life! I just guess now that it's so mainstream it's
lost a bit of it's edginess, and since I've had a few for awhile I'm
feeling aa bit desensitized by some of these "over-the-top" folks I
see now.
Well I suppose I'm not making too much sense, not that would be
unusual in any way. I guess I felt I needed to share this diddy as I
wait for the upgrade to do it's magic on my desktop computer....thank
god for my third arm....my iPhone. Jayd has spoken....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What a Difference a Day Makes

Today I'm off work....ahhh
The last two days I get up at 5:30 and hit the ground running. Get up feed all my assorted animals, make tea, take a shower/and or bath, get dressed, throw a lunch and breakfast in a lunch back, lock up puppy, throw out big dogs in back yard, grab purse and lunch bag and keys, feed the birds, and run out the door.
Then usually once a week drive around the block back to the house to see if I actually turned off the straightener, so as not to burn the house down. Which I usually find I've turned off but my 48 year old brain can't remember, and if my Firefighter husband comes home from work and finds still on and glowing will put ME in the doghouse.
Then my 8 mile drive is usually not too bad in the Summer months, but once the school year is back in session it's a whole different story. I must fight my way out of my own neighborhood as the cars come whizzing down the hill in perfect synchronicity, I think due to a stop sign farther up the hill. So I must dart out and piss someone off to get out onto the road and they come barreling up behind me angry as I excelerate to speed even though I have but no choice if I ever want to get out of my neighborhood onto the main road....Now after fighting my way through the sea of parents driving their little perfect children who couldn't possible "walk" to school and BMW's and Escalade's and Lexus' driving to their "all important jobs, I'm finally to the freeway....5 miles...easy right....NO. Traffic! Trucks! Peeps on their Cell Phones!
After a harrowing 20 to 25 minutes dodging traffic to work I know arrive at the parking garage (if I'm not super late and have to now park at an alternate lot down the street and walk aptly named "Oasis Lot") now 10 minutes can make the difference to getting a covered spot in this 4 story lot to end up parking on the top floor in the sun (Summer hell at the end of the day). So it behooves one to leave early in the Summer months to get one of those choice covered spots, to be able to come out at 4:15 to a relatively cool car.
So now we must hike in from the parking garage to our work building, not too far really but in winter rainy months a bit of a pain. I've got it timed about right that I come in with about 15-20 minutes to spare to put my stuff in my locker and eat my cereal or now cold eggs that I can throw at the microwave. This breakfast eating before work has become a ritual for many of us and we will eat communally in our breakroom before our morning starts and our manager holds a 5 minute "huddle" for the day. Reminding us of all the things we aren't doing right.
Now I set out for my desk, which I never know what to expect, it's a shared area in a hospital unit and if there is no night shift coming off duty the nurses have usually sat at my desk and messed it all up...oh joy. So now I must try and figure out what's happened since now nobody's been there for a whole shift and the nurses are less than helpful. I try to get this done as quickly as possible as to get my morning started, since I have a full slate of tasks ahead of me to do.
I won't bore you on the boring details of my crazy day, but let's just say it's never a "dull moment" from the minute I start till the minute I sign out of my computer. I get a half hour to inhale my lunch and luckily since I start relatively early I get home at a fairly decent hour, or can squeeze a quick stop at the gym in.
Then I come home and if the husband is not working at the firehouse then I don't have to take care of all the pets the minute I walk in the door. I can have a few minutes to unwind before I cook us dinner.....
Now hopefully by around 7pm or 7:30 dinner is finished and the dishes are done and I can go collapse on the couch. Did I say my kids are grown and moved out....thank god! Don't get me wrong I love them to death and I'm so happy they are young adults on their own (for the most part...another blog) I used to be a single parent before I met my now husband and do all this too....and I guess it was good I was younger because that included homework and after school activities like soccer or gymnastics. Oh and housework...pppfffff.....
Wow I can't believe you are still with me here, haven't I bored you yet?