Saturday, August 29, 2009

It's Raining In Times Square

I have a webcam on my computer of Times Square, and when my husband and I go to New York City the kids love when we pop up in the webcam and call and wave. So I periodically look at the webcam and see random people waving, or just walking by. Our good friends that live in Staten Island have even gone to see a Play and called us to wave at us in the webcam as a good laugh.

You can tell if it's really hot or bitterly cold by the clothing the people are wearing (and knowing the seasons as I do from my many many visits), just feel the humidity in my mind or that bitter cold cut through me as I look it's almost a comforting kind of thing for me to to look at the webcam....reminisce, yearn, the feeling in my heart it's time to return, no matter what the weather is like (always hoping for good weather of course!)
As I look at that small window to another world, it's raining today on this hot August day on the West Coast. Our air conditioner has already come on at 7am, not a good sign since it was 102 yesterday. Now I haven't checked the weather in NYC but I can imagine after multiple summer visits with the kids that it's hot and very sticky humid. We used to say if felt like you were walking around with a diaper on, since your underwear would stick to you....okay too much information!HA!
As I peer into that small window at 7 am it's raining.....I can almost small the warm humid acrid smell of the streets, and the feel of just taking a shower and now stepping out and immediately feeling your skin stick to you already skimpy clothing. But it's a feeling as unpleasant as it seems that I miss, the sounds and smells of the city.... just seeing that moment in time a longing that I just can't wait till our next trip to NYC, when I step out of the terminal to catch a taxi at JFK and I just know I'm there......it's like a second home I just can't explain. It calls to me.
And if I didn't have such roots or a complete life with my family here, who knows I might just live there? Well....those winters....might be a deterrent. But; I'd seriously consider it, even though I'd probably miss the West Coast go figure, I do love my Bay Area it will always be home in my heart...but there's room for two homes...right? :-)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Normal in a Crazy World....

So I must be an oddity these days because I "don't" take antidepressants or antianxiety medications. A pariah by todays medical standards, because everytime I go to the doctor's office with even a simple problem like ringing in the ears they want to put you on antidepressants. I guess if I don't give a shit, the ringing won't seem as bad wow fixed.
I've managed to stay off the band wagon and so far I manage just fine without them, thank you very much. So maybe because I'm post hysterectomy (and those pesky little ovaries of mine came out too) so my nice OB/GYN has been willing to let me stay on hormones since I was young and not ready to shrivel up and turn old and grey at 40. Thanx Doc, your stellar! So maybe these same everyday dose little blue pills keep me even keel, unlike the rollercoaster ride of joy when you are in the prime of your young life and that your hormones drive you crazy. I so don't miss that really.....I so don't miss that really....yeah I said it again! I feel liberated of all that female emotion. I mean I still get weepy at a good movie and yeah I still have my moments but just not on an hourly basis....

But as I travel on the even keel of life, it's the crazy folks around me that are trying to throw me overboard with a heavy anchor in hand. Even my "loving" children are part of this captivating crowd....I seem to be a magnet to manipulation. I guess it's that big invisible sign I wear: trusting, naive, momish, still cares after being walked over and over...." shall I go on? No....

I don't want to live in a fantasy land that everyday is happy and nothing ever goes wrong, but can't a girl just enjoy her life once in awhile...is that too much to ask? I've gone through some really tough times in the past and those times that don't kill us make us stronger...blah blah blah. I'm just looking to enjoy my new found freedom of adulthood now that the kids are moving on, but I guess now it's time for them as adults to start blaming me for all the things I messed up on during my motherhood years. Yes folks, I'm human and I made mistakes....there I said it. And I wish I could take some, well maybe more than some of those things back. Or just maybe have done things differently now that I have time to ponder better scenarios, but since there's no time machine I guess the damage is done. I didn't think I was a horrible mother, I thought I did okay...but now I'm finding out I was neglectful and without going into all the gory details, I guess this is something I will have to struggle with to understand. Because it's all our own and each reality when it comes down to it, and that is something you can't really change. But things are so much deeper than whats on the surface, and I feel I'm an easy available target. So there you have it I'm here and some people are not, so I get to be the target so to speak of what went wrong.
And this is with friends I've chosen too. One of my so called best friends is now not talking to me, because I'm such a horrible person? Even though she has repeatedly over the years manipulated our friendship and me, her other friends have come and gone and I've stood by her side through thick and thin. But now because I chose to take a stand on small things she's says to me, I'm the bad guy. It doesn't matter all the hurtful things that have been said and done to me, oh those don't count.
Wow...I'm 48 and I don't have a best friend anymore...I walk around and see all these women out having lunch and shopping and I'm alone. So I think I'm a crappy friend? But how much can one person take, I mean really....and remember I don't take medications....or maybe I should be and all these issues would go away? Is that what the Doctors are trying to sell me? I'm just trying to be true to me and others...I'm really done playing games and secrets. But I guess life doesn't work that way.

Okay I guess I can get over this and no folks I don't need to run to the nearest pharmacy thanks to our Medical Community. I'm okay with a good cry now and then, and those other people trying to drag me down...take what you must, I am strong and I am okay...I'm gonna have a good day.

Monday, August 24, 2009

It's Just Never What You Think It Should Be....

Just when I "think" everything is copacetic, that's when it all falls apart. It's my own fault really one should never think "its all good", that's like the kiss of death to best made plans. I'm now in my adult years where the kids are out on their own and my husband and I have the house to ourselves so to speak (we now have furry children...woof woof). But one must never think the umbilical cord is finally sniped, as there is always some need or crisis looming around the corner. Let's face it cell phones can be a blessing but hey, they can be a curse too. I've decided from now on when I get my mani/pedi it goes off! They always seem to call right when I'm getting my fabulous leg massage, my personal moment...damnit and they call and ruin it! argh...

I feel now that I have all this free time that I longed for especially when I was a single mother struggling on my own, it's also a double edged sword as that I'm very alone in the house most of the time. My husband is gone long hours, and I'm alone overnight many nights and now I actually miss having the "kids" around....Come on! you say....make up your mind!?! For years their trails of dirty glasses left aimlessly all over the house or dirty panties left on the floor for the poodle to swipe and run off with and chew as a snack on the couch....I longed for what it would be like not to hear "Mmmoooommmmm" yelled from the other end of the house, meaning I must drop what I'm doing to grant their wish of their command. Or just to go out on an errand and buy myself a coffee and not have to take out a loan to cover lunch for starving kids, that I fed at home before we left just so we wouldn't have to buy lunch out!? And now when I wander the mall and see others laughing and talking and pushing those strollers ( I really don't miss those days, but I just had to add that in) I feel a real sense of loss and loneliness, and not really having a ton of girlfriends with the same days off work that I do to go out in the middle of the week because of MY odd work schedule. Or now as I find since I chose to have kids in my early 20's, many moms have waited to their 30's even 40's and now that Im 48 and kid free they have youngin's hanging off of them! So what to do what to do.....I guess I try and enjoy the moments I can shop in peace alone with no one pulling on my leg saying "mommy I gotta go to the bathroom" or "Im hungry" or "this is boring". And I can set my own pace, and actually get quite a bit done in a day and find time to stop for a coffee and afford it too...
And yeah I do miss my kids because now as young adults they are actually my best friends. And when I get the chance to spend time with them it's really quite enjoyable...Wow did I just say that out loud?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

It's A Tattoo Nation

As I see it tattoo's are becoming pretty mainstream, even though their
content may still hold shock value. And for all you know that handsome
clean cut Doctor or Lawyer may just have a sleeve under that sleeve.
Or that nice nurse may have a cute little "Tramp Stamp" as they so
kindly refer to the tattoos on the lower back area. You watch TV and
now all the reality shows the "contestants" are virtually covered in
tattoos, some that are tasteful and stylish and some that are
downright cheesy and "what were they thinking"?
I guess I should state before I go any further with this "ditty" on
Tatts that "I" have 6 myself....ok ok... Two are names... I did go
abit overboard my last visit when I got one done on my back, I also go
each daughter's name on the inside of my wrist (lucky for me I only
have two of them)..
So I guess where I'm going with this is..... Really noticing how many
people have them. And, how many people have maybe too many? Of course
to say to many is subjective, since you might think a mother that is
"gasp" 48, and has 6 herself to many. So I've been pondering this the
last few days, my youngest has atleast 3 with multiple piercings and
my husband has a small one on his shoulder (he's considered maybe one
more if the right design comes his way), but my older daughter doesn't
have any. Which is fine I'd hate for her to feel pressured to do
something if she really doesn't want it. I on the other hand love
mine, I'm artistic and feel they are a extention of my artsy-fartsy
side, and yes I those occasional looks of distain....I give them a big
"harumph"! It's my life! I just guess now that it's so mainstream it's
lost a bit of it's edginess, and since I've had a few for awhile I'm
feeling aa bit desensitized by some of these "over-the-top" folks I
see now.
Well I suppose I'm not making too much sense, not that would be
unusual in any way. I guess I felt I needed to share this diddy as I
wait for the upgrade to do it's magic on my desktop computer....thank
god for my third arm....my iPhone. Jayd has spoken....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What a Difference a Day Makes

Today I'm off work....ahhh
The last two days I get up at 5:30 and hit the ground running. Get up feed all my assorted animals, make tea, take a shower/and or bath, get dressed, throw a lunch and breakfast in a lunch back, lock up puppy, throw out big dogs in back yard, grab purse and lunch bag and keys, feed the birds, and run out the door.
Then usually once a week drive around the block back to the house to see if I actually turned off the straightener, so as not to burn the house down. Which I usually find I've turned off but my 48 year old brain can't remember, and if my Firefighter husband comes home from work and finds still on and glowing will put ME in the doghouse.
Then my 8 mile drive is usually not too bad in the Summer months, but once the school year is back in session it's a whole different story. I must fight my way out of my own neighborhood as the cars come whizzing down the hill in perfect synchronicity, I think due to a stop sign farther up the hill. So I must dart out and piss someone off to get out onto the road and they come barreling up behind me angry as I excelerate to speed even though I have but no choice if I ever want to get out of my neighborhood onto the main road....Now after fighting my way through the sea of parents driving their little perfect children who couldn't possible "walk" to school and BMW's and Escalade's and Lexus' driving to their "all important jobs, I'm finally to the freeway....5 miles...easy right....NO. Traffic! Trucks! Peeps on their Cell Phones!
After a harrowing 20 to 25 minutes dodging traffic to work I know arrive at the parking garage (if I'm not super late and have to now park at an alternate lot down the street and walk aptly named "Oasis Lot") now 10 minutes can make the difference to getting a covered spot in this 4 story lot to end up parking on the top floor in the sun (Summer hell at the end of the day). So it behooves one to leave early in the Summer months to get one of those choice covered spots, to be able to come out at 4:15 to a relatively cool car.
So now we must hike in from the parking garage to our work building, not too far really but in winter rainy months a bit of a pain. I've got it timed about right that I come in with about 15-20 minutes to spare to put my stuff in my locker and eat my cereal or now cold eggs that I can throw at the microwave. This breakfast eating before work has become a ritual for many of us and we will eat communally in our breakroom before our morning starts and our manager holds a 5 minute "huddle" for the day. Reminding us of all the things we aren't doing right.
Now I set out for my desk, which I never know what to expect, it's a shared area in a hospital unit and if there is no night shift coming off duty the nurses have usually sat at my desk and messed it all up...oh joy. So now I must try and figure out what's happened since now nobody's been there for a whole shift and the nurses are less than helpful. I try to get this done as quickly as possible as to get my morning started, since I have a full slate of tasks ahead of me to do.
I won't bore you on the boring details of my crazy day, but let's just say it's never a "dull moment" from the minute I start till the minute I sign out of my computer. I get a half hour to inhale my lunch and luckily since I start relatively early I get home at a fairly decent hour, or can squeeze a quick stop at the gym in.
Then I come home and if the husband is not working at the firehouse then I don't have to take care of all the pets the minute I walk in the door. I can have a few minutes to unwind before I cook us dinner.....
Now hopefully by around 7pm or 7:30 dinner is finished and the dishes are done and I can go collapse on the couch. Did I say my kids are grown and moved out....thank god! Don't get me wrong I love them to death and I'm so happy they are young adults on their own (for the most part...another blog) I used to be a single parent before I met my now husband and do all this too....and I guess it was good I was younger because that included homework and after school activities like soccer or gymnastics. Oh and housework...pppfffff.....
Wow I can't believe you are still with me here, haven't I bored you yet?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Sucky Monday

The only two redeeming things that happened today were when I pulled
into the work parking garage and got a covered space on the first
floor (hot summer day..score!) and at the end of my horrific day I
went and ate Frozen Yogurt for dinner....indulgence.... Like I said
the only two "good" things...

The rest of my day was sheer torture....worked to the bone...so I keep
this short and sweet... Eat dessert for dinner! And forget about the
day, tomorrow we'll be starting all over again.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Frozen Yogurt Vs. Sex

On my way home from the grocery store this afternoon I decided ( or more like driven by a craving), decided even though it was 5pm to get frozen yogurt before dinner. Normally I would bug my husband to pry his behind off the couch so I'd at least have the company in the car after dinner and (me driving of course) would go to get myself a frozen yogurt at my new fav place downtown. Now you have to understand as we women get older things slowly get taken away from the line up. Might be salt or caffeine or alcohol out of our diet due to medications or blood pressure or weight problems, or time for sensible shoes due to corns or bunions meaning no cute stylish heels....whatever....hey...as mothers we've done are time and we deserve a little reward now and then? Eh? And lately mine has been this particular yogurt. Mostly because they have multiple flavors to choose from and you help yourself...Sweet! And And...they have tons of different topping that again you control! Heaven!!!! I've pretty much got it down to a science....and it's like 60/40 yogurt/candy....okay the other part of the science is weight. I can get mine under or around $2.00 and it satisfies my craving without filling me up, how perfect is that....Sweet and Cheap,a mommy meter is always on!

So now when you get older you tend to equate things to past experiencesin your life for instance, my ear infection pain was up there close to child birth pain. Or that chocolate cake was so sinful it bas better than sex! Well I'm not gonna say my Yogurt is better than sex but, hey there are reasons we like to think it ranks up there and sometimes peaks over the all mighty sex. Because once you reach that lovely pinnacle of your late 40's pushing 50's nature plays nasty tricks only on womens bodies, so unfair! So you really find alternatives to help ease the pain of these changes in your body, especially if the sex just isn't what it used to be anymore. That's not to say it's not good or you don't like or want it. It's just seems now you have the time to put the time into it and those damn hormone are all "f'd up, this is why we need little things throughout the day to make life/sex...blah blah blah well more tolerable. So let it be I say...mine is Pedicures and Yogurt. And why is Yogurt so high on the list you might ask well: 1. you really can get it when YOU want. 2. you can get it the way you want it, "extra sprinkles please....mmmmm". 3. Sure you have to pay for it, but it's cheap and easy and it doesn't talk back.
I also rank my pedicures up there too since the place I go does an amazing massage ahhhhh, now this does cost me a bit more money and I do feel a bit sleazy paying for just the massage at times...;-). Call it what you want "prostitution for my feet" hey whatever.
But since my husband wont rub my feet which to me would be damn close to having sex, and when I asked for a back rub once it was like a gorilla groping me. Well, you do what a woman just has to do....go out and pay for it! Men do it all the time.....

So this brings me back to Frozen Yogurt Vs. Sex, well one day I may be to old and feeble and I might actuallly break a hip if I try and have sex, but no matter how old I am I'll always be able to slurp a frozen yogurt down my gullet. Hey kids, make sure whatever nursing home you plant me in theres a Yogurt shop with in walker distance for me okay?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Reality Rears It's Ugly Head

Today is a new day, or so I thought as I toss my legs over the edge of my bed at 6:10am to go feed all the dogs. My oldest daughter just found out her job will be "eliminated" in 60 days. Which is a lovely term for Laid-off. Now this particular company actually made a profit last quarter, a rather large one just not as much as they usually would make in years past. So to offset this downfall they've been cutting back on spending and supposedly management? But it's not enough, so now in these hard times where people are losing jobs left and right and have no health insurance, they will do the same to a fairly huge number of employees. And they happen to be in the health care business, even though through the country's recession they showed a profit? Wow.....so...yes I do tend to drift.....
So as you can guess my daughter is a bit distraught, because she will also not be on my health coverage as of next month either as she will have reach the maximum age limit. She has health issues and will now be left with no health care, which is leaving her just a bit cranky. And very difficult to deal with at times. The thing is we are really close, maybe sometimes too close....
And I take the brunt of her frustrations, as she rants and raves about losing her job and I get told "I don't get it". Well.....
I've been it tough spots in my life, like when I was divorced when they were kids. There Dad flaked on us and I basically raised them on my own. No easy task when one is working a part-time job and no child support and having to find swing shift daycare (totally unheard of in the small town where I lived back then). Had to sell our house( which was very painful for me, it was brand new when we purchased it and only 3 years old) and move multiple times over those years to smaller and smaller places or rent rooms in other peoples homes(you do what you gotta do to survive). Did end up working two jobs to make ends meet, and yeah lots of crisis's along the way. But looking back I'm who I am today because of those events I went through, and hopefully stronger and wiser for the better? Right?

And because of that nightmarish path I was on I did meet my now husband at my second job at a cafe. I always say "I won his heart through my lattes". His, a double non-fat latte. Even in my lowest of lowest points (and believe me I hit some pretty low ones) I never gave up that some day I'd meet a good guy and be happy again, and just maybe dig myself out of this mess my ex had left for me and the kids. And even when things got really bad and I'd like to have just given up, I would never had done such a thing because those two beautiful daughters that my ex-husband and I brought into this world depended now on "ME".
So no matter how crazy freaked out broke I was, we had to make it through just one more day and then the next. And you know what we did, and yeah I kissed a few toads along the way....okay....a lot of toads along the way. I guess I always tried to see the good in people...silly me. But then I started making rules, own a house or condo, have a job, have a pet (show that he can love something other than himself what a concept). So yeah I got a little better each time. And you know, my husband had been a long time customer at my cafe and we had talked over months. And he was right there all along right in front of me, are paths were just meant to cross...as corny as that sounds. My Italian coworker with her cute little accent would say "theres your fireman", since we did't know his name at the time.
Here's this single guy in his late 30's never married, and he picks me a gal with two kids and LOTS of BAGGAGE! Little did he know...
But 14 years since we've met and 12 years of marriage under our belts, it's all good and our love is still very strong.
(Side note: just before we started dating I was actually dating another firefighter just coincidence, and I hadn't seen my husband come by the cafe in a while. Things were going good with the guy I was dating, I was about a month in this relationship. I was working one morning and I see my now husband come in for his coffee and I say "hi, haven't seen ya in awhile" he says yeah been working a lot" and at that moment I thought to myself :too bad we never got a chance go out on a date with you, I always thought he was cute. But hey I thought I was in this relationship that was going somewhere...little did I know that would all come crashing down the next month. That guy totally lead me on. But the following month I saw my now hubby again and I got my friend to give him my phone number, since I was a chicken. Years later I told him this story of how I was happily involve and felt sad we hadn't "hooked-up" and he told me at that time he was "seeing someone" but nothing serious. But he really loved that I shared that story with him. Because ultimately WE ended up together, so that's why I know WE were meant to be because of that moment)
So I guess what I'm really babbling about hear is you know I really think sometimes things happen for a reason, and maybe their not always good but they make us stronger. And give us the passion to live life and we can have an occasional hissy fit, but then we must get on with it. So I'll let my daughter have her moment, but then it's time for a kick in the ass to get out there and find another job with bene's and maybe even go back to grad school. Which might even be a good thing. Okay I'm feeling a bit better now that I've vented, now I'm going to make a big fatty breakfast for my man who will be home from work soon.













Thursday, August 13, 2009

Being Factored By the Almighty Number Police

So...as I drove home from the gym today, zipping along obviously over the speed limit. I passed the electronic speed limit sign that stated I was only going 28 in the 30 mile zone, when my odometer stated 32...hmmm....many times going the other direction the sign has flashed in it's bold red letters "SLOW DOWN" or some such words. Which I usually extend one of my cute little fingers at because : I'm such a lady at 48 years of age. Why is it that my life is controlled by Numbers, and how do I know if they are accurate?...because I think honestly there is some kind of injustice in the force of nature right now that's personally chiding me with this whole number thing.....
Now this leads into while pedaling furiously on my recumbent bike at the gym just shortly before this light bulb moment on the road home with my iced decaf nonfat vanilla latte, the woman at the gym on the bike next to me. Here I am (now I know I'm short so maybe I must pedal faster to make more revolutions? I know "lifes not fair") sweating out my 30 minutes of random hills on the bike on level 6 barely burning 200 calories per the machine that I sit upon. As this woman next to me who started after me by maybe say 4 to 5 minutes, pedals at less revolutions and doesn't seem to break a sweat reading her book! Meh! She wasn't like some stealth woman version of Lance Armstrong by any means, yet as I peeked over her calorie count slowly but surely surpassed mine! Harumpf! I did later see she was on Level 8 but so what! She was pedaling waaaayyy slower....and "I" was pushing it and sweating. So again are the machines with their numbers gauging everything we do really actuate? Kinda reminds me of the movie 2001 Space Oddessy when I was a kid and the computer "Hal" takes over, or I guess I'm just being paranoid...yeah I'm sure that's it. :-/
As I sit here I look back at the puppy sitting on the couch happily chewing on his new toy totally oblivious to any of this drivel that I speak....hmmm....dog's life....

My First Attempt....

Okay so here it is, in a nutshell. I'm not a writer...really. Well in my head I have all these vivid thoughts, but when I try to constuct them onto paper they sound contrived and well...stupid. If and I say "IF" anyone even reads this....(((Disclaimer))) English was not my strong point in School, Art was my thing so my hand was probably doodling cartoons instead of punctuation.
So my grammar Will and Does suck so please look past the error of my ways, the real goal here is to just try and convey my thoughts of where I'm at in this so called life of mine.

So I'm a 48 year old female that's on my second marriage (this ones a keeper thank you) and the kids for the moment have flown the coop so to speak. One lives fairly close by, about a 35 minute drive and the other 5 hours by car (And I'm such a savvy Mom I love my webcam, texting,twitter, facebook oh and that old thing called a "phone" we stay well connected).
Somehow along my journey in life I've ended up with lots of acquaintances, but now no close friends. How did this happen you ask? Well I'm not really sure exactly but they seemed to drop away over the years as I moved or just life got in the way. Now I'm ready to have "girlfriends" and well I'm alone? Like a said I do have friends, just no one really close anymore. I see other women out with their "girlfriends" laughing and having coffee. At the gym with their heads close talking and out shopping for clothes together or having lunch.
So I guess I want to explore how I got to this place in my life, and wonder are there others like me out there, I mean I'm pretty normal aren't I? I work part-time, and I have "hobbies", and in general I'm pretty busy on my day off through out the day with grocery shopping, going to the gym, errands. But it seems when you get to "my" age no one wants to be "best friends" because their "dance card" is already full, so yeah they might meet you for lunch once but that's about it. It's like I'm running after the bus and they see me in the bus but just keep talking and wave back and won't tell the bus driver to stop for me to get on....Is it because I was born an only child and I've felt like an outsider? Do I have a big sign on my forehead "doesn't care for organized religion, not a big drinker/lush, leans more liberal-ish these days, has opinions that may not make me popular" ? I mean I still have faith in my heart and moral code that I believe and live by, and "YES" I do like a nice drinkie poo now and then just not a whole bottle of wine to myself. And yeah this old broad has got a few opinions however uniformed they might be, I try to stay "in the know" thanx to modern technology and my husband. And I do like to engage in a fiesty enchange of words about the goings on in the world, even if I don't KNOW everything. Hey...I'm willing to learn some facts, though their are many out there who spew such garbage and are such haters it's hard to believe we as humans are taking so many steps backwards.....hmmm....off topic....focus.....

It's kinda sad really, I don't feel 48 inside at all. I'm not ready to join the polyester pantsuit crowd by any means (though occasionally I do admit I've worn poly that's very hip of course). I love shopping at H&M, Urban Outfitters, Forever21 (because I'm Forever 48!, hey that be a great name for a store?) Now age and gravity had definitely reared it's ugly head (but we can save this for future blog material). But within my financial means I try to keep myself looking good and youthful with out trying to look ridiculous (well I hope I'm not looking ridiculous, or atleast my kids will tell me if I've gone to far).

So I guess this will be my "cheap therapy" route here to figure out how I got to this point in my life, and how I can make some real friends now that I actually have some "free" time. And who knows I may just end up blogging to myself, but I also may find that I'm not alone either in this quest on this highway of humanhood. So I'll be back later to add and see how this grows, any positive feedback is always appreciated.