Thursday, August 27, 2009

Normal in a Crazy World....

So I must be an oddity these days because I "don't" take antidepressants or antianxiety medications. A pariah by todays medical standards, because everytime I go to the doctor's office with even a simple problem like ringing in the ears they want to put you on antidepressants. I guess if I don't give a shit, the ringing won't seem as bad wow fixed.
I've managed to stay off the band wagon and so far I manage just fine without them, thank you very much. So maybe because I'm post hysterectomy (and those pesky little ovaries of mine came out too) so my nice OB/GYN has been willing to let me stay on hormones since I was young and not ready to shrivel up and turn old and grey at 40. Thanx Doc, your stellar! So maybe these same everyday dose little blue pills keep me even keel, unlike the rollercoaster ride of joy when you are in the prime of your young life and that your hormones drive you crazy. I so don't miss that really.....I so don't miss that really....yeah I said it again! I feel liberated of all that female emotion. I mean I still get weepy at a good movie and yeah I still have my moments but just not on an hourly basis....

But as I travel on the even keel of life, it's the crazy folks around me that are trying to throw me overboard with a heavy anchor in hand. Even my "loving" children are part of this captivating crowd....I seem to be a magnet to manipulation. I guess it's that big invisible sign I wear: trusting, naive, momish, still cares after being walked over and over...." shall I go on? No....

I don't want to live in a fantasy land that everyday is happy and nothing ever goes wrong, but can't a girl just enjoy her life once in awhile...is that too much to ask? I've gone through some really tough times in the past and those times that don't kill us make us stronger...blah blah blah. I'm just looking to enjoy my new found freedom of adulthood now that the kids are moving on, but I guess now it's time for them as adults to start blaming me for all the things I messed up on during my motherhood years. Yes folks, I'm human and I made mistakes....there I said it. And I wish I could take some, well maybe more than some of those things back. Or just maybe have done things differently now that I have time to ponder better scenarios, but since there's no time machine I guess the damage is done. I didn't think I was a horrible mother, I thought I did okay...but now I'm finding out I was neglectful and without going into all the gory details, I guess this is something I will have to struggle with to understand. Because it's all our own and each reality when it comes down to it, and that is something you can't really change. But things are so much deeper than whats on the surface, and I feel I'm an easy available target. So there you have it I'm here and some people are not, so I get to be the target so to speak of what went wrong.
And this is with friends I've chosen too. One of my so called best friends is now not talking to me, because I'm such a horrible person? Even though she has repeatedly over the years manipulated our friendship and me, her other friends have come and gone and I've stood by her side through thick and thin. But now because I chose to take a stand on small things she's says to me, I'm the bad guy. It doesn't matter all the hurtful things that have been said and done to me, oh those don't count.
Wow...I'm 48 and I don't have a best friend anymore...I walk around and see all these women out having lunch and shopping and I'm alone. So I think I'm a crappy friend? But how much can one person take, I mean really....and remember I don't take medications....or maybe I should be and all these issues would go away? Is that what the Doctors are trying to sell me? I'm just trying to be true to me and others...I'm really done playing games and secrets. But I guess life doesn't work that way.

Okay I guess I can get over this and no folks I don't need to run to the nearest pharmacy thanks to our Medical Community. I'm okay with a good cry now and then, and those other people trying to drag me down...take what you must, I am strong and I am okay...I'm gonna have a good day.

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